Sacrifices…

So, I live where I live because my husband has a child from his first marriage. We live three or four states away from the state where I was born (and lived for the first 22 years of my life), all so we could live near my husband’s kid. And now, we’re coming up on two years of not speaking to him. No one is innocent in that matter – if husband had not yelled at the kid, we might still be close to him, if the kid had respected his father, husband most likely would not have yelled at the kid, if the ex had taught the kid to respect his father, yadda yadda.

Anyway. It’s been nearly 2 years. Why do we continue to live here when all of our family is far away? Originally it was to be close to the kid but now, seriously, why bother? It was a sacrifice for me to move here, and it was a sacrifice I felt was important. But now? I see my family 2x a year (haven’t seen the full family since July ’08, but I saw Mom in March ’09) and why only 2x a year? So we can continue to not see the kid? Life goes on for us all, but I’m missing birthdays, graduations, divorces, marriages and why? What was the point of any of it? 

And the sacrifices continue. I want a kid. Have waited since 2004-ish. The first two years were financial related while we paid off some debts, then we racked them back up again while we waited another year to get a health issue fixed. And when we finally started trying (7/14/07) – when we could have been trying all that time! – we keep failing. Now I don’t ovulate decently without a drug called Clomid, and my husband is so sad and indifferent because of not seeing his kid. I wish we’d just thrown caution to the wind and gone for it back in 2004. I’d be 5 years younger, thinner (I think – although not as thin as I got while we were resolving husband’s health issues) and we were in many ways happier. Not happier with each other, but happier in life. In retrospect, 2004 was perfection and 2007, 2008 and 2009 have just been a waste. I feel like all the best things that will ever happen to me have happened and now I can only spend the next 50 years waiting to die.

And why? What was the point of any of it? Why did we bother sacrificing? I could have spent the last 10 years living in my parents house and would I have been any worse off?

 

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